Sex and the City

My mom and I went to see this movie tonight.  I lurved it!  It was so good.  Now, I was afraid I would cry because mom's trash magazine said to carry tissues.  Also, today has been a VERY weepy day for me and I cry at the slightest thing on a good day.  However, I did not cry at this movie.  There were some sad times, but I did not shed a tear.  I really enjoyed this movie.  Don't worry, friends, if I told you I would go with you to see this movie, I will.  I just don't remember who all I said I would go with...

I am in my hometown this weekend for my 10 year high school reunion.  (Right now, I am actually in MS at a casino.  Mom had free rooms here this weekend.)  My reunion is tomorrow night (I guess tonight since it is 1:19 a.m. on Saturday).  I will post pics and a recap later this weekend. 

Have a great weekend!

I love you, Ryan! 

Treats

Today I met Brandi to go get our "toes did".  We enjoyed pedis during her lunch break.  I am going to my 10 year high school reunion on Saturday night.  Now, I know everyone is going to notice my toes in the dimly lit restaurant, so I had to run out and pay someone to put polish on them.  Very important.  I still don't know what I am going to wear, but I know that my toes will look so very excellent.  So, one thing is for certain, open toe shoes...

I love you, Ryan

Migraines

I wish I knew what triggers my migraines.  I would give it up with no questions asked.  Flat out, cold turkey!  I hate migraines.  Even with my medicine, I have a huge headache all day that will not go away.  I even went to bed when it started today (after I took my meds) and my head still hurts!  It is crazy.  I have had two migraines in two weeks.  That is highly unusual for me.  Maybe it's stress...

This sucks...

I really want to talk to Ryan today...

I love you, Ryan

"Wii"liday

Today, I had three friends over to play the wii.  This morning my friend, Sally, came to play before she headed to a workshop.  We played the wii fit.  Then we went to lunch and she dropped me off with two of my other friends, Anna and Megan, who had attended the same workshop in the morning!  We went back to my house and played the wii fit.  Then we played wii sports and wii play.  We had a blast.  They left a little while ago to make dinner for the hubbies.  How sweet.  

Since we had three people here, I decided to use Ryan's wii remote.  His mom found it in his car and she thought it was mine, but I explained to her that he had bought himself a remote.  I have a wii and his best friend in Nashville has a wii, so he bought a remote so he could travel with his mii.  I did not think I would be able to use his remote, but I did.  Now, I was the only person I even let touch his remote, but I did use it.  I didn't even get sad.  I do get a little sad when I play the wii fit, especially the soccer part, because Ryan was so excited about playing that part.

I also decided that I need a bigger t.v.  It was crazy trying to play tennis with three people!  My screen is so small :(  Oh well.  It will do.  I'm not coming off the money for a new t.v.  I am so stingy!  

I had a super fun time today.  I am so glad my friends came to visit.  I hope we can do this all summer :)

I love you, Ryan!      

Busy Bee

After dinner, I cleaned the kitchen, again!  I cleaned out my car, put those things away, and washed the curtains from my classroom.  I have about a gazillion recorders on my kitchen counter that have to go through the dishwasher to be ready for next year.  I need to get the garbage to the road before tomorrow.  I just don't want to do that right now...

Time for wii...

I love you, Ryan!

"Fried" Squash

Sandy had this yummy recipe on her blog the other day.  I decided I would try it, because she just raved about it.  It was super yummy.  The corn muffin mix gives it a little sugar taste.  I loved this recipe.  I flipping ate a WHOLE squash!  I am so stuffed now because I had also made a hamburger and french fries.  I'm so glad I'm wearing pajama pants... 

Summer, Day 1

I got up way too early for my first day off. I got a lot done, but not everything on my list. I'm not quitting for the night, but I thought I would update. So far I have...

* put up yard work stuff

* washed clothes (four loads)

* folded clothes (about 8 loads-at least!)

* hung up clothes (the same eight loads)

* get clothes off dining room table :) This is where I "lay flat to dry"

* water peace lily that Ryan's parents gave me

* wash dishes

* clean off kitchen counters

* clean out refrigerator

* wash sheets

* make bed

* clean shower (guest bathroom, not mine though)

* clean toilet (guest bathroom)

* clean sink (guest bathroom)

* vacuumed the ENTIRE HOUSE!

I also added these items and completed those...

* mailed netflix movie
* bills
* updated netflix queue
* cooked dinner (now I have to clean the kitchen again!)

I still need to clean out my car. I hope to get that done tonight, so I can put that stuff up where it goes.

I could've gotten more done, but I took a lot of breaks :)

I love you, Ryan!

Teachers don't work during the summer...

WHAT?!  Yeah, ok.  That's right, teachers don't work.  We have three months off.  Whatever!  

So, I have this week off before I start my summer class and then teaching summer camp.  Today, I am starting at one end of the house and cleaning my way to the other end.  I need to really clean.  I have "straightened" a little over the past three weeks, but not cleaned.  I actually CLEANED the day of the crash, so it was clean when Ryan's parents came to tell me.  Thank God, I would have been embarrassed, not that they would have even noticed.  So today, I am getting it back to that state of clean.  In order to do that, I will have to do the following things:

*  put up yard work stuff

*  wash clothes

*  fold clothes

*  hang up clothes

*  get clothes off dining room table :)  This is where I "lay flat to dry"

*  water peace lily that Ryan's parents gave me

*  return spreader to my neighbor

*  wash dishes

*  clean off kitchen counters

*  clean out refrigerator

*  sweep and mop kitchen floor

*  wash sheets

*  make bed

*  clean shower  (both bathrooms)

*  clean toilet  (both bathrooms)

*  clean sink  (both bathrooms)

*  vacuum the ENTIRE HOUSE!  

That is inside the house.  I also need to clean out my car and wash it.  The weatherman says it is supposed to rain everyday this week, except Friday but it starts back again on Saturday.  Therefore, I don't want to wash my car.  But I do need to clean it out.  

I have a homeowners board meeting tonight too.  

I also need to do my job as treasurer of the music organization and send in our dues!  Gotta get on that.  

So much to do for someone who doesn't work during the summer. I guess I should go get my bon-bons and turn on my stories. Oh wait, I'm up too early for my stories. Maybe I should go back to bed and wait.

I hope everyone has a great day and I will update my list at the end of today.  

Happy Memorial Day!

Today I was invited to two cook outs!  How fun.  First, I went to Heather's house for steak and ribs with baked potatoes, corn, and rolls.  For dessert, we had banana pudding.  Everything was delicious!  I had a nice time visiting with her family.  After a lovely lunch, I travelled to Sandy's for some yummy chicken wings with mac and cheese and corn.  Sandy made some scrumptious cheese cookies for an appetizer and homemade ice cream, brownies, and a special strawberry recipe for dessert.  I had a great time with The Ls, The Ds, Meghan, and Kelly.   

I am scared to get on the wii fit tonight.  I can hear it now, "I detect a 12.8 lb difference.  Are you holding something tonight?"  That is the nosiest game ever!  It seems that all I did today was eat. It was a good day ;)  

I love you, Ryan!  

P.S. I Love You

Well, I've had this movie from netflix for over a week now.  I decided to watch it today.  I did not sob through the whole thing.  In fact, I did not sob at all.  I did get misty during a couple of parts, like when she sees him fixing his hair in the mirror.  I could totally see Ryan doing the same thing.  And I could relate to her when she ran to her mom after Daniel left her in the restaurant.  When she said that no matter what you do, you are still alone.  I can't always express how I'm feeling or even why I am crying most times, which I know frustrates my friends and family.  It frustrates me too.  I'm just sad because no matter how many people I'm surrounded by, I'm still alone...

I love you, Ryan   

So unfair!

This morning while in the shower, I really started thinking how unfair this whole situation is.  This is not the first time I have thought or said this.  But today, it was bad.  I thought how unfair it is for the pilot's three kids and wife, how unfair it is for the other passenger's two kids and fiance, and how unfair it is that even my stupid facewash reminds me of Ryan!  I know that I have to trust God because he knows his plan for our lives even when we don't/can't understand.  It is just very hard right now.  

I don't know what to do or where to go right now.  I wish I knew "the plan".  The past two weeks, I have been getting up and going to work.  I knew I had to do that.  This week, I am off from work.  This could be a problem because it gives me too much free time to think.  I have made plans with some friends who have to come my way for a workshop.  They are coming over either before or after the workshop to play wii.  That will keep my mind busy for a while.  This weekend is my 10 year high school reunion.  I will be going home probably Friday.  I will have to come back to my house on Sunday because I start class on Monday.  Then I will go to school for two weeks and then start teaching a summer camp for four weeks.  So I will be busy again. 

I just don't know what I am supposed to do with my life.  I feel as though my brain is gone.  I can't remember anything.  I will be talking about something and totally forget my point.  I am so stressed.  I really thought Ryan was "the one".  I've been talking to one of Ryan's old friends and she has told me that she could tell that our relationship was different from his previous ones.  I guess that makes me feel better, but it only adds to the "it's not fair" feeling that I have.  I know I will never understand why, so I am trying not to ask.  I do want to know where to go from here.  I feel so confused in my life now.  Right now, I am doing what I know I have to - work, house and yard work, bills, trying not to neglect my friends, and making sure to live.  It is so hard...

I really love Ryan and I miss him so very much.    

School's Out for Summer!

Yesterday was my last day at work! WooHoo! The kids got out on Wed, but the teachers had workdays on Thurs and Fri. I was all ready to go on Thurs, so I took my Wii Fit to work on Fri. I had several friends come to my room and visit while we were waiting to meet with the principal. All my friends LURVED the wii fit!

Last night, I went to my friend's end of the year party (not an official school function), "Pinas on the Patio 5". I am still not in the mood to drink, so I had water. It was raining so we were in the living room. We had a fabulous time. I had not seen him in a long time, at least a month or two. I am glad I went. I am so tired today, but I couldn't sleep past 8:30 a.m. which is later than I have been sleeping, so I guess that is good.

This morning, I woke up and got on the internet. After I checked my emails, myspace, and blog, I decided I had sufficiently wasted enough time. I got out of bed, got dressed, and went outside to cut my grass in the backyard. After I cut the grass, I decided to spray my yard for ants. I had about two gallons of spray and I used it all! I didn't even finish with all the ant beds! They decided to take over my yard. I am going to have to get some more spray. I also need to spray my house. I saw a lot of spiders when I was spraying outside near the house, so I need to make sure to spray inside before those venomous creatures invade my humble abode! I HATE SPIDERS!!!!!! Now I am on my way outside to round up behind the fence. I hate cutting grass back there. I would like to thank my friend, Heath, for the sprays.

Well, I guess I should be off. Let's go kill some grass!

I love you, Ryan

THURSDAY THIRTEEN: I'm back!

Ok, so I know I haven't done T.T. in FOREVER, but I'm back.... sort of.

I am linking to Sandy's Thursday Thirteen. It is all about our afternoon together.

Click HERE for the list.

What's the name?

Sandy and I went to the game store to purchase my Wii Fit today.  Ryan and I put a reserve on one at the end of April.  He had put a reserve on GTA4 that he did not use, so he had a credit at the store he needed to use and I jokingly suggested that he transfer it toward a Wii Fit for me.  He agreed and I protested, of course, because I wouldn't let him do things for me (he always got irritated with me because of this).  We decided to do it and I paid the rest of the deposit.  Well, I got the receipt but we left everything in his name.  Then after the accident, I took the receipt and had the phone number and name changed to mine.  I didn't receive the phone call yesterday that I was told to expect.  When I went in today, I told them I had a reserve and they asked, "what's the name?"  Well, because I didn't receive the phone call, I wasn't sure the name had been changed so I just gave him the receipt and told him I had changed the info.  He looked it up and asked, "Tiffani Jones?"  Now, yes, my name is Tiffani but my last name is not Jones.  Ryan's last name was Jones.  So I said, "sure, that's good."  He rang the game up and I paid.  As we left, Sandy was checking on me to make sure I was ok.  I was ok, amazingly.  I told his mom about it and she said that today I was fine, but another day I might have broken down.  She's right.  Who knows with me lately?

This is funny, but the events leading to this are even funnier.  

Before the accident, Ryan and I were just dating.  Then at the memorial, we became engaged, as I was introduced as his fiance (I'm sure this was just a slip), and then this afternoon we apparently got married and I became Tiffani Jones.  His mom thinks this is an omen.  I'm not sure of what, since that can never happen now...

Another funny.  Yesterday I received a sympathy card from my grandmother's best friend.  She had included a copy of her church bulletin from Mother's Day.  The pastor had included a prayer request for the three families and said that I was the fiance of Brian King.  Brian was the pilot and married with three kids!  Oops!  I hope his wife doesn't see that.  The thought was nice.  (I still don't know why it was said I was the "fiance" of anyone.  It's ok.  I wouldn't have minded being engaged to Ryan.)

I love you, Ryan!  

Are Wii Fit?

So, today the new Wii Fit game came out!  WooHoo!  Now this was a little bittersweet.  Ryan and I had put a reserve for this game the last night we hung out (the night we flew).  He was supposed to still be in town because he was not going back to Nashville until he moved in June.  So, we were going to buy the game and come home and play it together tonight.  Sandy met me in "town" and we went to the game store to purchase the game.  (We have a funny story that I will blog about separately because it takes a little explanation.)  She agreed to go with me so I would not be alone and because we wanted to hang out together.  

I came home after 8:00 p.m. and got started setting up the Wii Fit.  It was sooooo much fun!  I know that I will be sore tomorrow.  I tried most of the games, not the strength training!  I was too pooped to try that.  And to make it even better, I DID NOT CRY!!!!!!!  I thought I would sob when I thought about Ryan.  I didn't!  I looked at his picture, smiled, and said "this is for you, baby".  I wish he was here to play with me though...  

I'm Alive

I have been hearing parts of this song on the radio. It has caught my ear, but I haven't heard it all the way through. So today, I caught a little of it and the title and artist was displayed on my radio, so I came home and googled the lyrics. I lurve this song. It is by Flyleaf.

Some of the comments I have read about this song say it is about God. I can see that.  One comment read that the composer will be truly "alive" when she meets God.  It helps me to know that God will NEVER leave me while here on Earth and then I will be alive with him in Heaven.  Ryan is home now and for that, I am thankful even though I wish he was with me.      

"All Around Me"

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

This is the acoustic version. This is not what you hear on the radio, but I like this video better.

Flyleaf - All Around Me Acoustic Performance

I love you, Ryan

I DID IT!!!!!!!!

I looked at Ryan's pic just now and didn't cry and actually SMILED!   Ok, so now I'm a little teary, but not uncontrollable sobbing, just teary.  But I did it!  I am so happy.  These may be happy tears because I am still grinning.  

Here is the pic that made me smile (courtesy of Heather)...  (Warning:  I had worked all day long, then set up my booth outside after school, then went to pick Ryan up, had dinner, and then sat outside all night.  I am not looking so cute but it is a fantastic pic of Ryan)

So, as you can see I am holding cotton candy.  We were at the Spring Fling for one of my schools.  Don't let him fool you, he was eating it too!  I emailed this picture to his mom today and told her that Ryan had just gotten home from a two week business trip to Nashville and I had cotton candy.  What more could I have asked for at that moment?      

Warn a sister....

So somebody should've told me that House was something I should not watch this week.  I haven't watched a lot of t.v. the past couple of weeks, so I've missed SEVERAL episodes.  Tonight, I thought I would catch the season finale.  Big mistake!  I was expecting House to have some crazy patient with some crazy illness, run all these tests to find out that it was as simple as a tick or a broken toe, but NO!  That is NOT what happened.  I actually cried over an episode of HOUSE!  I couldn't believe it.  I'm still in shock.  I didn't see last week's episode, so I had no clue this was coming.  I won't spoil it for those who may not have seen it....  Just know, it was heart breaking.  Maybe it was just for me, I don't know.  My emotions are a little skewed...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday to my cousin, Philip!  He is now 13 years old!  I told him he was going to catch up with me and he said, "...uuummmm, I don't think so."  How funny.  He is so smart and made the All-Star baseball team.  Yea, Philip!

I did not talk to his bro, Evan, tonight.  However, Evan recently earned his green belt in karate!  Way to go!  

I didn't talk to my aunt tonight either.  She started classes again!  Good luck to her.  I am winding down and she is just starting this term.  She is going to be a teacher!  God bless her...

I did talk to my uncle.  He didn't say too much other than Shannon started school tonight.  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PHILIP!

and because I wasn't wishing Happy Birthdays in February, 

HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY, EVAN!

I know that's crazy, but I want everyone to feel special because they are.  

When I see you smile

I smiled every time I looked at Ryan.  He smiled when he looked at me.  We acted like giddy school kids and it made us both sick :)  We picked on each other about it all the time.  How I wish I could look at him and smile.  I have cried all day today it seems.  I can't even look at his picture without losing control.  My friend, Heather, took a pic of us at Spring Fling a week before he died.  It is an awesome pic of Ryan, not so much of me.  I had been working all day, and then setting up my booth outside and then sitting outside half the night.  I was not so cute!  However, Ryan looks just like himself.  Heather had it framed for Ryan's mom and myself.   I can't even look at it without crying.  It looks as though Ryan is looking right at me.  It breaks my heart.  I am waiting for the sadness to step aside and let the fond memories flood over me.  I want to be happy when I think of Ryan.  I know one day it will come...

I love you, Ryan 

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Heather!!!!

I hope you have a great day.  Thanks for being such a wonderful friend, especially through this whole ordeal.  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Slumber Party

I drove to Ryan's parents' house last night after work and had dinner with his mom.  His dad went to a men's retreat and came home late last night.  His mom and I sat up and talked for a while after dinner.  We had a lovely time.  This morning we all three got up and ate breakfast and sat around and talked.  We decided after a few hours that we wanted lunch.  We headed to a bbq restaurant.  It was super yummy.  We then went home and I read through all the sympathy cards that had been sent to his parents.  There were so many.  Being with his parents, I felt like I had to be strong.  Therefore, I did not cry until 3:55 p.m. today when I left his parents and drove by his apt.  (I have to drive by his apt to get back to the interstate.  Believe me, I would not drive by if I did not have to.)  I totally lost it.  I cried most of the way back.  I live an hour away from his parents.  

I just can't believe this is happening.  It is so unreal.  Standing in his parents kitchen, I just kept waiting for him to walk around the corner.  It was so strange.  

His mom and I went to the apt last night so I could see their progress.  The small stuff was mostly gone.  The large furniture was still there.  They have several guys helping them to move the big stuff.  It's so strange to think he isn't there anymore.  

Just so you know my luck, I just received a new movie from Netflix.  I didn't look at my queue to see what was coming.  So today I received "P.S. I Love You".  Can you believe it?  I am debating on whether to watch it.  I have been instructed to wait by one person and told not to watch it by someone else.  Also, maybe that I should start it to see how it makes me feel and then turn it off if I get upset or get someone to watch it with me.  Well, I don't want to get someone to watch it with me because I know I'm going to cry.  I don't want to upset someone else.  I'm usually not a crier, but with the current circumstances, I cry about everything.  

I am so not ready to date again, but Ryan's mom mentioned me "moving on" a couple of days ago and that got me thinking.  It is so unfair that I have to start over.  I had found the perfect guy.  I don't want to do it again.  I do know that it is possible and that I don't have to "settle".  It took me so long to find Ryan.  I pray that God gives me the strength to get through this.  

I love you, Ryan    

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Ashley!  I hope you have a wonderful day!  I'll see you Sunday for our celebration.  WooHoo!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ASHLEY!!!!!!!!

Thoughtful

Ryan's mom and dad sent ME a sympathy card.  Can you believe that?  They are going through so much right now, and they thought to send me a card.  They are incredible people.  I just hate this happened to them.  

I love you, Ryan.

Graduation Day

Tonight was Kindergarten graduation at one of my schools.  The kids were so cute and sang beautifully.  After the program, there was a reception.  I went and made my appearance.  While there, one parent (who is also a friend and substitutes in my classroom ~ like last week) told me that she had been praying for me and that she knew that "this was it" meaning that Ryan was "the one".  I told her I knew this too and we changed the subject.  Later, she came back to Ryan and said she had only met him a few times, but each time she could see in his face how much he cared for me.  Her words were, "Tiffani, that man loved you."  I totally lost it, right there in the middle of the school lunchroom during the reception.  She told me that she had not planned to tell me any of that tonight, but felt that she needed to.  

I told Ryan's mom about it tonight.  She said that one of Ryan's friends had told her today that Ryan had been talking about me on Thursday on the way to GA.  She had told his friend that she felt Ryan was getting close to me and he told her that Ryan was crazy about me.  Of course, I lost it again.  Ryan always told me how he felt, but it helps to hear it from other people, especially his friends that he had talked to.  I just miss him so much.  

I love you, Ryan.

Stealing from Ashley

My friend, Ashley, always has her "moment of zen" on her blog. Well, today I experienced a "moment of zen" myself. I have been weepy today and thinking of different things and trying to be strong while at school (but completely failing). I am cleaning out my classroom for the summer and walked into the hall to get a box from a locker. While in the hall, I heard some music coming from the room across the hall. I turned around and just stared in that direction. It sounded like music you might find in an "adult situation." Mood music, some might call it. Now of course, I thought, "I should text Ryan!" Then remembering, I chose to walk next door and ask a couple teachers to come out to the hall to listen. We all laughed and then the teacher who was playing the music came into the hall and I had to tell her too. It was so funny. I am still smiling about it. Thank God for small moments of happiness admist this devastating time.

Just in case you were wondering, the CD is by Paul Taylor and called "Pleasure Seeker". I had heard the title track while I was in the hall. So funny.

I love you, Ryan

A ray of sunshine

I know my last few blogs have been very sad.  That is what I am feeling right now, and probably for a while to come.  But today I found a ray of sunshine.  I won a contest on Sandy's blog!  How exciting.  I won a trip to Sonic.  I think this is funny because of the way I entered the contest.  She was celebrating her one year anniversary of blogging.  She asked her readers to comment their favorite post.  I was being silly and replied that it was the one where she linked to my page for a picture show of our day, which included a trip to Sonic.  And then my number was pulled to win!  How fun.  Click here for a link to her entry and the comments.

The apartment

Last night, I went to Ryan's apartment for the first time since the crash. His parents met me and gave me the key so I could take my time and do my thing. I sobbed uncontrollably and then finally realized I couldn't be there alone. It all seemed so unreal. So I called them and asked them to come back. They had only gone to the entrance of the complex and were waiting for my call. They had brought some boxes and we started packing up some of the things. This is such a hard process when it is your own things, but we didn't even know where to start with Ryan's stuff. I took a couple of shirts and some scrubs. I also asked to have his water bottle because we both took water with us whereever we went. Of course, his parents said yes. They are wonderful people. I can see how Ryan became such a wonderful man. I miss him so much...

Several people have told me that I will get angry. I know this is a part of the grieving process, but with whom would I be mad? Ryan didn't choose to leave, nor did the other gentlemen on board. There is no blame to be placed with anyone on the plane. God? How could I be mad with the only reason I got through this pain? I don't have the strength to do this on my own and God has given me the strength and the support/love of my friends and family to help me. I know He has a plan for my life and He had a plan for Ryan's. I do not know either of these plans and may never know the reason Ryan was taken from us.

I do know that while Ryan was here, he showed me how to be loved and how to love in return. I know what I deserve and owe it to Ryan (and myself) to make sure that I don't settle for less. I am in no shape to consider dating right now, but when that time comes, I know what to look for. I pray that God will show me the person He has chosen for me and open my eyes when the time is right. Ryan's parents have said they will only lean on me for a little while longer and then they want me to move on. How can you move on from something like this? I know the time will come, but for now, I will lean on them as well.

I love you, Ryan

Work

I went back to work today. It was pretty hard.  Most people just smiled and gave me a hug or prayed with me.  Some were a little more prying, while still another reminded me "there are other fish in the sea."  WHAT?!  I just couldn't believe my ears.  As far as I am concerned right now, my sea is dry.  There is not another living creature in it.  I know that will change, but I couldn't believe that was her choice of words for encouragement.  It really hurt me, like she thought I was only upset because I don't have a boyfriend anymore.  I know she was trying to be helpful and nice, but it was really shocking.  

I am now heading to Ryan's apartment for the first time since the accident.  His mom and dad are meeting me there to let me grieve.  I know it will be hard, but I just want to be close to him again.  We are going to start packing his things.  This sucks......

I love you, Ryan!

God, give me strength

Today, I head back to work after the tragedy of last weekend.  I still can't talk about the accident without crying, so today will be hard because I know the teachers are going to ask me about it.  I am so tempted to print the address of the blog to give to people who want to know.  I think that will be easier than trying to talk about it while at work.  I just can't be expected to do my job and talk about something that devastated my life.  I know that with God's help I will make it through this time, so I am not concerned.  However, that does not mean that I have the strength currently to talk about Ryan with everyone.  Believe me, it is hard enough to think of him constantly and not be able to call or send a text that just reads "smile" or receive a text with encouraging words so I don't strangle a kid who is driving me crazy :)  Today is going to be hard.  So please pray for strength.  

I appreciate everyone's concern, but it is still too new to chat about with everyone.  Ryan was a very special man to me, to a lot of people, and it will be a while before I can just put the tragedy aside and talk to random people.  Don't worry, I am talking to my friends that I trust and that have seen me cry about other things and who have helped me through other dilemmas in life.  Right now, that is all I can do.  Thanks for your continued support and prayers.  Please pray for peace and strength for Ryan's family and friends.  Also, pray for the other two men's family and friends.  

In case you have reached this blog searching for answers because I can't talk to you, here are two news links.  Basically, I don't know any more than this.  These are two news reports from the week of the crash.

This one explains the crash.  This one has the news video and a picture of the plane.  

Happy Mother's Day

To all my readers~

Happy Mother's Day.  I hope you have a great day, whether you are a mom or not.  Ladies, treat yourselves and get some rest.  

I love you, Ryan.

One week

It has been one week since the crash, almost to the minute.  It was sometime just before 7:00 p.m. Eastern time.  Oh God, give me strength....

I love you, Ryan!

Just when I thought...

Yesterday I only cried about five times, which is pretty good considering I had cried nearly all day for the past week.  Today, I have cried over five times and it is not even 10:00 a.m.  Maybe it is because this afternoon will be a week since the crash or since the last time I talked to Ryan.  I hate this and there is nothing I can do to make it change.  There are so many people hurting from this crash, Ryan's family and friends, but also the other two men's family and friends.  There is no reason for the crash that we know of.  I keep offering my help to Ryan's parents, but really what can I do?  There is nothing that I can say or do to take away their pain, just like no words or actions can take away mine.  I do appreciate every kind word of sorrow or encouragement, but as most everyone has said, "I don't know what to say."  Well, there is nothing you can say.  It just sucks.  The only thing you can do is pray that Ryan's, Brian's, and Darryl's families and friends to find the strength to get through this.  God alone knows our every need and knows just how to comfort us.  

On a good note, Ryan's seven year old cousin decided to be baptized.  That is the best thing that has come from this tragedy.  

I love you, Ryan.

A Wonderful Man

Most of you know the story now, but my boyfriend was killed in a plane crash on Saturday evening.  Obviously that is why I needed prayer.  The services will be Wednesday.  Please continue to pray for Ryan's family and friends through this difficult and dark time.  I have included a link to his obituary.  

He was at a remote control air show, so he was so happy on Saturday.  He and two friends were flying home after the show.   I had met both of the other men and they were both perfect gentlemen when I saw them.  All three will greatly be missed by their families and friends.  Please keep all three families in your prayers.  

I love you, Ryan

Thank you

Thank you, dear readers, for your thoughts and prayers.  This is a difficult time for me and need all the strength that God can deliver.  So to everyone who has emailed, commented, or prayed for me, thanks.  It is truly appreciated.

I love you, Ryan!

Please Pray

Dear Readers,

I need prayer. I can not say for what, but just please keep me in your prayers. Thanks.

I love you, Ryan.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to fly in a small, private plane. It was amazing. I was a little nervous before we took off because it was small and I'm always nervous when flying. The pilot, Brian (a friend of Ryan's), was very informative and made sure I knew what he was doing at all times and explained all the instruments on the panel. He explained weather patterns and thermals to explain the "bumps" we felt. Ryan even got to be the pilot for a little while. When we were about to leave the airport, there was a turkey on the runway! Funny. Ryan took a pic of me on the way back.



I LURVED THIS DAY! I had so much fun.