The apartment

Last night, I went to Ryan's apartment for the first time since the crash. His parents met me and gave me the key so I could take my time and do my thing. I sobbed uncontrollably and then finally realized I couldn't be there alone. It all seemed so unreal. So I called them and asked them to come back. They had only gone to the entrance of the complex and were waiting for my call. They had brought some boxes and we started packing up some of the things. This is such a hard process when it is your own things, but we didn't even know where to start with Ryan's stuff. I took a couple of shirts and some scrubs. I also asked to have his water bottle because we both took water with us whereever we went. Of course, his parents said yes. They are wonderful people. I can see how Ryan became such a wonderful man. I miss him so much...

Several people have told me that I will get angry. I know this is a part of the grieving process, but with whom would I be mad? Ryan didn't choose to leave, nor did the other gentlemen on board. There is no blame to be placed with anyone on the plane. God? How could I be mad with the only reason I got through this pain? I don't have the strength to do this on my own and God has given me the strength and the support/love of my friends and family to help me. I know He has a plan for my life and He had a plan for Ryan's. I do not know either of these plans and may never know the reason Ryan was taken from us.

I do know that while Ryan was here, he showed me how to be loved and how to love in return. I know what I deserve and owe it to Ryan (and myself) to make sure that I don't settle for less. I am in no shape to consider dating right now, but when that time comes, I know what to look for. I pray that God will show me the person He has chosen for me and open my eyes when the time is right. Ryan's parents have said they will only lean on me for a little while longer and then they want me to move on. How can you move on from something like this? I know the time will come, but for now, I will lean on them as well.

I love you, Ryan