So unfair!

This morning while in the shower, I really started thinking how unfair this whole situation is.  This is not the first time I have thought or said this.  But today, it was bad.  I thought how unfair it is for the pilot's three kids and wife, how unfair it is for the other passenger's two kids and fiance, and how unfair it is that even my stupid facewash reminds me of Ryan!  I know that I have to trust God because he knows his plan for our lives even when we don't/can't understand.  It is just very hard right now.  

I don't know what to do or where to go right now.  I wish I knew "the plan".  The past two weeks, I have been getting up and going to work.  I knew I had to do that.  This week, I am off from work.  This could be a problem because it gives me too much free time to think.  I have made plans with some friends who have to come my way for a workshop.  They are coming over either before or after the workshop to play wii.  That will keep my mind busy for a while.  This weekend is my 10 year high school reunion.  I will be going home probably Friday.  I will have to come back to my house on Sunday because I start class on Monday.  Then I will go to school for two weeks and then start teaching a summer camp for four weeks.  So I will be busy again. 

I just don't know what I am supposed to do with my life.  I feel as though my brain is gone.  I can't remember anything.  I will be talking about something and totally forget my point.  I am so stressed.  I really thought Ryan was "the one".  I've been talking to one of Ryan's old friends and she has told me that she could tell that our relationship was different from his previous ones.  I guess that makes me feel better, but it only adds to the "it's not fair" feeling that I have.  I know I will never understand why, so I am trying not to ask.  I do want to know where to go from here.  I feel so confused in my life now.  Right now, I am doing what I know I have to - work, house and yard work, bills, trying not to neglect my friends, and making sure to live.  It is so hard...

I really love Ryan and I miss him so very much.